This is gonna be a post that I advise you not to confront me with please. These posts are gonna be something I write once then publish, no correcting, refactoring or going back. You may start seeing a different tone and different side of me from now on as these posts will be coming directly from my heart.

⚠️ Warning: If you are not comfortable with this type of content please just stop here skip these type of posts.

TLDR: I have decided to start writing a light diary of mine but right here on goldy.exe, as I currently have nowhere else atm or maybe I just feel like this is an ideal place. I'm in a state of confusion and hopefulness so I personally feel the need to dump my brain somewhere I can refer back to.

So yeah it's 4:30am rn, I couldn't sleep. I have fucked up my sleep schedule over and over fucking again. This past week I was awake for 2 days twice, it's not looking good brev. My sleep schedule has been offset for soo fucking long; I sleep at 1 - 3am and wake up at 11am - 1pm average, I have woken up at 2pm a couple of times, it's really not looking good. I've done it to myself, I know how to slightly improve it and I have a number of times but now I'm just giving up. My reasons for waking up is getting less and less day by day. This isn't something that has happened recently, this has been happening ever since secondary school (high school), it's been eating at me every fucking day for years, this sense of unsuccessfulness. If I was to tell the truth I think it's been happening to me ever since primary school (elementary school). Remember I mentioned in my 3am ramble that these faces, these masks 🎭 can start developing at a young age. Well the same events that I think developed some of my masks I have is what has been eating at me for years and now I feel as if there's not much left of me but also feel as if the eating at some point had slowen down for a while but now reinitializing itself again.

I'm not sure what to do, if I was to explain my situation, I would be writing here for days. There's just too much to unpack, on top of that there's of course lots I don't feel too comfortable sharing; going against my own sayings in 3am ramble here...

Hope you have a good day, I hope these diaries help me somewhat, it's 5am and peace. ✌️

UPDATE 05/11/2024: Updated the title from "diary" to "journal" as I've realised that is much more suitable of a title.